My Mom Failed to Warn Me About an Abuser. Should I Tell My Dad?

I worked part time for my granduncle’s business when I was 13 and 14. There were many times when we were alone, and he sexually abused me. I never raised it with my parents in those early years; I doubted I would be believed, and my granduncle was a ‘‘kind old man’’ who was very generous to my financially strained family.

In my late 20s, while in therapy, I began to realize the impact those experiences had on me. I told my husband and my parents what happened all those years ago. I received the essential support I needed from my father and my husband. But my relationship with my mother became fraught. When I shared the events with her, she told me that the same man sexually abused her when she was a teenager and that she never told anyone. At first, we were angry about the impact on both of us, but then I became angry at her for not protecting me. How could she have possibly allowed her teenage daughter to regularly be alone with this man? She said that because he was an old man when I worked for him, she didn’t think he would still do the same things. She also asked that I not share this information with my father, fearing that he would blame her for not protecting me.

Knowing that the truth might destroy their marriage, I have remained silent about my mother’s experience and have kept it a secret at her request. I encouraged my mother to attend counseling to address the issue, but she has never done so. Nor has she told my dad. I’ve lost a lot of respect for her over this; her decision seems a selfish one.

I am now in my 50s, my parents are in their 80s and the secret is still buried. My dad continues to ask why I don’t spend more time with my mother; it clearly bothers him. I wonder if it is time to share the secret with him. Is unburdening myself of this secret worth causing disruptionand sadness at this late stage of my dad’slife and my parents’ 60-year marriage?— Name Withheld

From the Ethicist:

I’m so sorry to hear about what you’ve endured; it clearly took courage to tell your family about what happened to you and to seek therapy to deal with its effects. Your mother’s behavior, meanwhile, can only have heightened your experience of betrayal. In sorting through the issue of disclosure, you should give serious weight to your own well- being.

On the plus side, unburdening yourself to your father will allow him to understand why you don’t spend more time with your mother. More speculatively, it might also enable an honest and open discussion with your parents. So a big question is how likely it is that disclosure will lead to greater empathy, acknowledgment and understanding within the family.